Content – a middle sized word.

As I sit here at my desk, looking out at the cloud rolling in, Washington’s sweet tones coming from the music dock, I realise something.  I am content.  Now, stay with me on this one… I promise it’s not vomit inducing sugar sweetness.

I’ve been on the wellbeing, happy trail for a while now. Knowing full well in order to survive the rocky times I need to be able to deal with things in ways other than ranting meltdowns.  I need to be able to quiet the noise in my head sometimes, and downing whole blocks of chocolate and copious glasses of wine really isn’t the answer. Well, not all the time anyway.

So then, what I mean by content is this -

My life is not perfect (who’s is?) I don’t live in my dream house, I work for the love of it as much as for the money it provides us with.  I have worries, sadness and grief that are too raw and I don’t write about in public.  Somedays Hubby and the kids drive me a little nuts. Most days the washing pile is higher than the mountain we live on.  But I have learnt to live with it – and that was no easy feat.  I have learnt that people come to see me, and if they like me, they will not care that my queen size bed has three weeks of crunched up washing sprawled on it.  And that perhaps if I am brave enough to let people in, washing pile and all, they may be able to let me in to their home in it’s real state too.

I have learnt that sometimes the things you really want out of life are worth waiting for, and working towards.  I have learnt that patience really is a virtue… not that I have much of it.

The Hubby and I took a gamble selling up and moving interstate, and to say it has not all been easy would be an understatement. But, after living in the house that shall not be named, in the suffocating claustrophobia that suburbia felt like for us, we are getting there.

It has taken me until I am fast approaching 40 to realise life can be like pushing the proverbial shit up hill, but man the view at the top is worth it, so I hear, so keep on pushing.  I have learnt that sometimes what you thought you wanted is not all that good for you.  That letting go is a good thing.  That sometimes, the unknown is kind and will, in time show itself to you, and you wont be as scared as you thought you would be.

So, yes, I am content.  I look around my rented home, at my things old and new… at the home we have moulded from items given, bought and found… at photos, and books, and furniture.  At pets and garden and trees and I smile.  Because, in the words of the Rolling Stones, You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.

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Tags: build a bridge, the universe, wellbeing

Humble pie with thanks a la mode.

Yesterday I was in a right funk.  I was having one of those days. We all do, I know…I was not going to click the publish button… but I thought if I really am going to have a blog that is about the good, the bad, and the down right ugly, if I really do believe that there should be more honesty about being a woman, and less of a veneer, then I better walk the walk.  I did.  Then I cried.  A lot. Every comment set me off again.  But, I am OK.  I have got passed it, well, almost.

In an effort the pull myself up by the bootstraps I walked around the house and took photos of some of the things I love about it.

I want to thank you all for your words.  They helped.  A lot.  Sometimes there really is nothing for it but to let the walls down, have a good cry and then get on with it.  I will be gentle to myself this week.  We should all be gentle with ourselves.  Thanks Seraphim for reminding me of that.

So then, here are some the things that I love…

Thank you all again, big, big love to you all,

Naomi xxx

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Tags: blog, build a bridge, never say never, weekend, wrapped in love

I. Am. Exhausted.

Well, it’s been a long time between posts.  A very long time.  It’s not that I don’t want to blog, I do, I really, really, do.  It’s just I don’t have time, or energy.  I am, for all intents and purposes working full time at the moment and studying.

I have been sick, and still am not well, but the chance of just resting up are slim to none really. Having rheumatoid arthritis means that often if I do get a cold, it take me longer to recover, my immune system not being what it should be.  Again, the solution is rest… pffft.

I have not been for a run for over two weeks, everything hurts.   I have a blocked nose, my ears ache, my head hurts.

I am exhausted. All. The. Time.

I have to do 2 assignments for a uni course I don’t really want to do, but due to a difference in what deems you as a qualified teacher BETWEEN STATES OF THE SAME COUNTRY I have to.  I could just quit my job and start working in a primary school, but I want to keep teaching kinder.  I could take leave without pay and do the practical component in 4 weeks straight, but then there would be no income for a month… ah, nope, not an option.

It’s the start of the school year still, and I have a class of children who are still settling in, some well, others less so.  On Friday I was, for the first time in many, many years at a loss as to what I should do with a class of over tired children, unfamiliar relief staff, and myself having had no lunch break… what I wanted to do was sit on the mat and cry really.  Not an option.

I remained at work long after my required time trying to come up with solutions for the less settled children, but really what they need is a teacher with enough energy to focus just on them.  Which, by the middle of the year I will be, with  the uni work behind me.

So really, it will be OK.  This will pass… life will resume to it’s former rhythm. This I know, and it’s what keeps me going.

So now, I’ll take a breath, wipe the self pitying tears, and get on with it.

Or, as my darling Best Pam says, I’ll build a bridge and get over myself.

Tags: arthritis, build a bridge, school